Not Like This
by Angela6257
Summary: Cordelia has a moment of clarity.


Disclaimers: Joss owns all, I own nothing!  
  
Spoilers: Up through Season 3, Lullaby  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
I don't even know why I did it. I don't know what happened in that one moment that caused me to panic like that.   
  
It's not like I haven't held the baby before. I'd done my fair share of baby duty, almost as much as Fred or Angel. Angel's done the lion's share, of course. A prouder papa there never was, and I've had to hide my smiles a few times as he's learned how to handle the more mundane aspects. And Fred.. I don't know if it's the unusual (for us) parenting she received, but she's a natural if there ever was one when it comes to child-rearing.  
  
Wes and Gunn and I, we help out whenever we can. Wes.. well, he's not so good, although he's trying. Gunn and I are learning, and I'd have to say that we're both pretty good. Gunn even managed to get a smile out of the little guy, and we were all thrilled beyond words when we saw it.  
  
So yeah, things have settled down. Fred and Angel moved in with me right after it happened. The Hyperion, even if it was safe, had been trashed, and with Wolfram and Hart and who knows *who* else after the baby, it was a little too public for the baby's sake. Dennis, in addition to being a great alarm system, is not so bad with the defensive stuff when need be. So once again my happy home was invaded by a crowd, but I didn't mind. Not really.  
  
But Angel.. well, I don't know what exactly he did, but he set out one night to talk to Lilah. The next day, not only did he decide it was safe to move back to the hotel but cleaning crews had been sent in, and it was now in better shape than it'd been before this all started. Shortly thereafter, Angel, Fred, and baby moved back to the hotel.  
  
Slowly but surely, life got back to normal. We'd had a couple of cases, one starting with a vision, the other with an honest-to-goodness client. Fred stayed with the baby while the rest of us went out and fought the good fight. Life seemed to be back to normal.  
  
Which made what happened this morning even more strange.  
  
I mean, there was no reason for it. No vision, no weird something's-going-on vibes. Just Angel, a harried expression on his face, handing me the baby. Me reaching out both arms to take him--then freezing.  
  
My heart started pounding, and I couldn't breathe. And I knew, was suddenly sure, that I was about to cry.  
  
It was like a panic attack, I guess. I wasn't really sure, since I've never had one before, but that's what I seem to remember reading about them. Only what was there to panic about?  
  
Like I said, I'd held the baby.Taken care of the baby. So why suddenly, in that moment, was it too much for me to handle?  
  
I'd pulled my arms back, then brushed past Angel and hurried out the door, not stopping til I reached the safey of my own place, where I indulged myself in a fit of sobbing. Dennis, ever the good roomie, had provided my softest comforter and a box of Kleenex.  
  
So there I was. Still totally confuzzled by what happened. Not even sure why it happened. And no closer to an answer than I was when I got home a couple of hours ago.  
  
And that's when I heard a knock on the door.   
  
I knew who it was, of course. He'd proven long ago that closed doors or my own desire not to talk about it meant nothing to him. Not if he thought I was in danger. Or even, apparently, when I wasn't. Resigned to my fate, I got up and opened the door.  
  
Angel stared at me without speaking, his expression somewhere between bafflement and anger. I stood back, holding the door open, my own gaze dropping to the floor. He stalked into the living room, then turned around, arms crossed.  
  
"Okay, Cordy, what's up? You leave without saying anything, you don't answer your phone..."  
  
That was news to me. Apparently Dennis had decided I didn't need to deal with phone calls, because I'd never heard it ring.  
  
"Is something up?" He swallowed, looked down briefly before staring at me again. "Is it.. is it the baby? Does having Connor around bother you?"  
  
"No, of course not," I said quickly--and that was when it hit me. My voice broke off.  
  
It *was* the baby. Oh, not the baby specifically. But in that moment earlier, when Angel had handed the baby to me, my subconscious had realized something, even if my brain hadn't been quite ready.  
  
This was my dream.   
  
The man I loved--yes, I loved Angel--handing me a child. Our child.  
  
Only, it wasn't our child. Not really. It was Angel's moment of darkness, made into something beautiful. But it was a moment he'd shared with someone else.  
  
It was the man I loved, only he wasn't even a man. No picnics in the park, no shared parent-teacher meetings, no outtings to the beach to surf and sun.  
  
This was my dream. Only it wasn't. Not like this.  
  
My life, the life I'd planned so carefully starting at an exceptionally young age and driven by something I'd never had--that life was never ever going to happen.  
  
He said something else, only I didn't even hear it, caught in that moment of clarity as I was. My mind was fairly reeling as I realized I'd given up something I didn't realize was so precious to me. My dreams, my hopes for a normal life, gone in that brief instant when Angel handed me the baby.  
  
Connor. He'd handed Connor to me. Another revelation--I didn't even think of him by his own name. Just "the baby".  
  
"Cordy?" He moved a step closer to me, concern in his voice, and I realized he thought I was having a vision. "What's wrong?"  
  
"It's okay." I forced a smile, trying to reassure him even as I waged an internal battle. "I'm okay."  
  
"Then what is it? What's wrong?" Frustrated now, and I couldn't blame him.   
  
"Nothing. It's just.. I guess I'm tired."  
  
"So what happened this morning? Why'd you hurry out like that?" I opened my mouth, struggling to find the right words, but he didn't wait. "I know this has been hard, on all of us, but.. I need you, Cordy. I don't think I can... can do this without you."  
  
I closed my mouth again. Simple words, really, but heartfelt, true. He needed me, in a way no one had ever needed me before. For the visions, yes, but in other ways, countless ways that he'd been careful to make clear ever since Lilah's little minion from hell invaded my brain earlier this year.  
  
I turned away, moving towards the window as I took stock of what my life had become. So no, it wasn't exactly what I'd dreamed when I was a child. But then, who really got exactly what they'd dreamed of? People change, unexpected paths are taken, choices made. I wasn't the same person I'd been two years ago, much less the one I'd been when I'd dreamed those early dreams.  
  
And now what did I have? I had a man, only more than a man. So much more. One who cared deeply about me, and was willing to lay his life on the line for mine. I knew I loved him, knew I was just as willing to give my life for his. Was there more there? I couldn't be sure, but there was definitely something there lately when he looked at me. Something different, something *more*. And I was willing to wait to find out.  
  
I also had a baby. Not mine by birth, but I would have a meaningful part in his life. So in a way, he *was* mine, in all the ways that counted. Fred wasn't tied to Angel, not like I was, and Gunn and Wes wouldn't always be around. But I was his seer, my place in both his and the ba.. Connor's lives was assured. So really, at this point, it was up to me, wasn't it?  
  
I turned back to Angel, holding out a hand to him as I smiled. "I'm fine," I said softly. "We should get back to the hotel."  
  
Who could have known it would be so hard to give up something I'd never had? 


End file.
